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Tuesday, May 30, 2017

How gods got drunk and created Feywild

Long ago, in the lands of Sivobog, there lived a halfling archpriest named Joton Bellyfull. During his life, he approached the gods and posed a question, a question that had unforeseen consequences of great degree. "Are we allowed to get drunk? Or smoke tobacco? How about doing drugs, gambling, or enjoying carnal pleasures?"
The gods, empathizing with the halfling and his nation for merely desiring fun, decided to tell Joton to sacrifice them as much of the named stuff as he could amass, and that they would tell him next day. After Joton left, the gods agreed together to try everything he named to see how bad could it be.

Finally, the sacrifice was gathered, and then they started to drink. They drank for a long time, but soon they found that alcohol they had amassed was not enough to get them drunk.
That is when Eldur, the god of dwarves, decided to take an ooze and infuse it with alcohol. "We have to get drunk somehow. This way, we will have gelatinous cubes we can consume to get more alcohol into our blood." The other gods saw what he did and also made creatures made out of alcohol. Sui, the overgoddess of planes, made water elementals of alcohol. Vittor, the god of elves and gnomes, made water weirds that are also made out of alcohol. Tierra first made bushes she named spiritberries, but then went all out and created a new kind of tree with coconuts that contain alcohol on the inside. She, a little bit tipsy but none the less proudly, named these trees palmeisters. The gods then tasted the fruits of their hardwork, smoked a lot, enjoyed some of the carnal pleasures... and that's when it all started.
For the sake of reading ease, all the dialogues will be translated from the drunken gibberish.

Feywild

It was Vittor who begged Sui to make a new plane of existence just for him. A playground that started as a copy of the Material Plane that he could sculpt as he wished. Sui kept disagreeing until the midnight when she changed her mind. She was just about to make the new plane of existence, when the Eldur stopped her. "Whoooaaah, stop there. Stop it right there, girl! What shape do you want to make it?" Sui says that she wants to make it into a sphere, a planet just like Material Plane, since it's supposed to be a copy of Material Plane. Eldur, after eating four more cubes, went over to Vittor. "You really want to go with this... boooo-riiing shape?? Here, let me show you something!" Eldur drew into the air illusory lines that looked something like this.


"You just place the south pole on top of this sphere here, and north pole on the bottom so that it touches with an empty plane. Then, for each point on the planet, you do a line like this. Where the place intersects with a plane, that place should be on a plane." The other gods were very impressed by apparent knowledge of Eldur. Vittor and Sui did not fully understand it, being in the state they were in, but Sui did just as she was told. Soon enough, they had a plane that would for Earth look something like this.

Just imagine an icy crust that is Antarctica on its edges too, going away from the center infinitely.

Vittor ran to Eldur, saying that there is a problem. "This plane... it's infinite. Most of it is ice now, what do we do? And where exactly is the south pole?" Eldur stroked his beard, and waved his hand. "South pole does not exist in this world. It's infinitely far from the north one, so just... be glad you got one pole. As for the plane being infinite, you're welcome. That means your playground is infinite in size." Vittor looked at the creation and was happy.
He invited the gods into the realm to show them how he creates stuff there. He started by creating fey, the kind that he always wanted to secretly make. He gave them a gift of reincarnation, keeping memories over lifetimes, easy way of shapeshifting, and he split their souls into pieces. That's when the other gods started to intervene. "Whoah, slow down! You don't want mortals who come here stay here forever, do you?"
"What? Of course I do! I love my plane." The other gods frowned upon this, seeing how it would steal all of their followers. Eldur tried to corrupt some of his fey to turn them dark, but Vittor slapped him on his hand. "No! My world!"
The two gods started fighting at that point. Tierra and Sui, not knowing how to end their conflict, offered themselves to the two irritated gods. After getting more physical satisfaction, all four gods cooperated in further creating the Feywild that we know today, a land of life for a reason that's wild enough to make parents cover their children's ears when bards tell this tale. Hence the name of this plane - Feywild. The touch of theirs even wrapped it, making its flow of time irregular in relation to other planes of existence.



The next morning, gods felt a thirst they could not quench, until they started to drink again. And they kept drinking and enjoying all the things they enjoyed that night for the next six days and six nights, forgetting about Joton the whole time, until Sui sobered up and recalled his question. What exactly did gods do during these six days is unknown to most mortals, since most of the bards stopped listening after the wild Feywild part.

Answer and consequences

The gods fixed themselves up and went through this together. Apparently, after making the Feywild, all of them were so numbed that they did not remember anything they did afterwards. This is one of the few things in the history that terrified the gods, and they all agreed on the answer they'll give to Joton.
Joton was enjoying a breakfast when the gods called out to him. "Joton, we have your answer." Joton, very surprised at that, asked the gods "Where were you? It has been three years!" Gods dismissed the question, and instead gave the halfling an answer: "None of you shall ever get drunk, smoke tobacco, gamble, do drugs, or fornicate without intending to make a child. Spread these words to the rest!"

Everyone soon found out what happened, and mortals kept laughing at it. The gods got drunk. Of course, the gods regretted it a lot. They kind of missed those days, but swore to never do this again. Eventually, they managed to fix some of their misdoings by moving them into Feywild, and changed most of the rumors over the course of years, turning it into a celebration - a day when the gods drunk just some alcohol and made the glorious realms of Feywild. Favoured races refer to it as "Spirit Day".

As one would expect, the rumors spread between the unfavoured races too. Those were not persuaded by the opposite and to this day remember the original tale as it is. This is why unfavoured celebrate a holiday they call "The Nights of Regret", during which they play gods - drinking, drugging, smoking, mating, gambling, and playing with fey in a naughty manner.



This is also why Joton Bellyfull has his own hero card in the Worldwar game. He is the one cause for the most embarrassing week of known history for gods, by asking them a good question. What is a Worldwar game is a topic for another day though. Until then, thank you for reading, and have a nice day!

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